It’s funny how most days are just days. They pass with very little of note occurring. And then some days are horribly sad, feeling as if the hope had left the world and the sun will never shine again. And then some days are packed to overflowing with all the joy and happiness of life, and the world can do no wrong.
And then there are days that have sorrow and joy rolled into one, and the day is remarkable.
Today was one of those days.
I had my first event as an admitted PhD student at Chapman University – a mingle with my cohort, current PhD students, professors, and staff. A time of joy an adventure and all the nervousness of a great adventure. A moment of joy as I begin the next moment of my life, being a PhD student.
It was also a day of sorrow. My sister’s cat died today. Snuggles was 18. We’d had her since she was 5 weeks old. We’d had her forever. To put this in perspective, I turn 30 this year. I’ve been crying off and on all day. Snuggles was a great cat. (Not as great as her sister, who was my cat Midnight. She died 3 years ago at 15.) I will miss Snuggles terribly, but not as much as my sister who looked at her and treated her like her baby. I know that heart-break, and it’s hard to explain if you’ve never felt like your animal was part of your family. But trust me when I say it hurts as much as having a friend die.
Days like this, that can’t decide which emotion to pick and stick with it, are some of the more difficult to deal with because people who only know 1 side don’t understand why you aren’t fully with them; they don’t realize you’re torn.
But I made it through. I’m sure I seemed kind of aloof to the other members of my cohort and some of the faculty, so I’ll have so work to do when I begin classes. Now is the time to be sad.
Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully this one will be easier.
On occasion, I find myself thinking quite a lot. My brain flits and jumps from idea to idea, like a wren on the hunt, never settling on one.
I can really only tell that I am in one of these moments when I try to pin my brain down onto one branch instead of the whole tree. Because in those moments I suddenly feel like I’m a small child watching people peruse a candy store, and I’m locked on the outside. But instead of being locked out of a candy store, I’m locked away from the ideas: I can only watch them from the outside without ever interacting.
And the only solution I’ve found for this, as watching my ideas meander is no way for me as a person (particularly when what I rely on for m income and sanity is my ability to interact and modify the ideas in my head) to function is to write about this separation. And then to do something else entirely.
Because acknowledging the gulf helps me see where the bridges lie, and then I can find my way back into the delicious, delicious treats.
I’ve cataloged some of my adventures here already, with the promise of updates to come. But I have a new one starting this fall.
I’ll be embarking on a PhD program!
The thing about this is that I’m moving from English to Education. English is still my first love; it’s just Education is proving to be more open to my crazy ideas. And I think that policy discussions surrounding Education provide more opportunities to make significant changes. Plus, it’s a PhD program, so I’ll still get to read a lot (They warned us it could be up to 200 pages per class per week assigned. I almost laughed out loud).
So soon I will be back in school and I can’t wait to wander around with stacks of books again! And getting buried in research! And writing papers! I’m super excited.
Here’s to the next adventure!
Photo of Marriage locks on Prague bridge by Thomas Quine. Used under CC BY 2.0
I’ve read, heard, and watched a number of different comments about the Supreme Court hearings over the past couple of days. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, seriously? If you are from the future and the court’s decision has faded into the past to only be dredged up when studying for AP History exams, this is the week the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of California’s voter proposition that changed the CA state constitution to define marriage as only being between 1 man and 1 woman, and they heard arguments on the constitutionality of the federal definition of marriage being 1 man and 1 woman)
I live in California. The passage of Prop. 8 was a sad day, as I think any day we pass legislation that intentionally labels some as other and not worthy of the rules everyone else plays by is a sad day. View full article »